It's the week of Christmas, we are picking up our new puppy tonight, and I am struggling. I will write more when I can properly sit down (What is the point of school half days? WHAT IS THE POINT? I ask you!), but until then, this is how I feel this week: lonely and hard to love. I am desperately trying to make Christmas work for me, work for all of us, but right now, I'm feeling more Grinch and less Cindy Lou Who. I hope you all are faring better. Here's a re-post from earlier this fall that encapsulates me right now:
It's also me that tells the children they have to stop playing the Wii to get ready for (fill in the blank) school, for dinner, for swim practice, for bed. It's me that tells them that no, we made a commitment to the (fill in the blank) swim team, the violin teacher, the chess coach, and we need to show up for practice. It's me that signs off on homework, that tells Firstborn to re-write the words he wrote incorrectly, that sends them back to brush their teeth again because the first time they literally only did it for two seconds. It is me that cleans up the potty training messes and insists on a new pair of underwear. No wonder they hate me. No one wants to be this person, the Fun Sponge.
And yes, I know they don't really hate me. But why shouldn't they? Some days, I just want to say, I give up. Do what you want to do. When I was 27 years old and wanted to be a mother, I had no idea what I was committing to. My biggest issues were what to make myself for lunch and if I could fit into my skinny jeans. Now, it feels like my life is just filled to the brim with chores -- mine or others' that I must make them do. I don't want to be a taskmaster, but I am not really sure how to do this without being one.
I have this nagging feeling that I am doing this thing all wrong. That if I was more (fill in the blank) zen, more patient, more laid back, more something, this would be going a lot better. My kids would want to hang out with me more. My kids would be happier. My husband would want to hang out with me more. My husband would be happier. The truth is, I do my very best never to look in a mirror these days because I have no idea who I am anymore and I am afraid I will see it. I've built up all these defenses and walls and tried to zone out because I am just trying to get through this marathon -- no, this IRONMAN -- and I am not parenting with purpose or strategy anymore and I am not being a good participant in my marriage. The cracks are beginning to show.
If I was my kid or my spouse, I am not sure I would love me. I'm not sure who is left to love.
This was always going to be a rough week, and I am trying to remember that and focus forward, knowing that in a month, this will just be how it always was. I hope. I am not one to wallow, and we can't stand still on this treadmill anyway. It will get better. But I would be lying if I didn't say that in this moment, this is all really a lot and I have no idea where I am going with all of it. I am wondering if other women feel the same uncertainty, the same self doubt, the same wonder at how we got here?
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12 comments:
Don't worry, puppies make everything better! Uh, except for the rugs.
I love you just the way you are, Mama.
your honesty is very much appreciated...maybe you became a mother before you knew who you really are...then again who really is prepared for motherhood? although i'm beginning to wonder if some women enjoy being a mother or if they became mothers just because that is what is suppose to happen after marriage.
maybe it's also time to see a therapist (marriage or individual) b/c you sound very unhappy...worn out...and depressed. i wish you better because in life, we deserve better...you deserve better.
in the mean time, give yourself a break...and be kind to yourself.
You are fighting the same demons I am. I think we all are (or at least most of us that choose to be honest). I feel for you. I feel for me. Lately I've been trying this mantra "How do I want to be remembered?" because I know that the constant need for forgiveness will not last forever.
Yes, yes and yes. It sucks when it goes this way. And you can never tell which way the pendulum is going to swing. Hang in there for the relief. It will come...and go...and come again.
All the time!X
Hello! I've enjoyed reading your blog for a long time now. It occurred to me that you might really enjoy another blog called, "Conversion Diary" about an atheist who became a devout Catholic. At the least, her blog is very entertaining. Merry Christmas!
Now that Christmas is over and we've come out the other side, I hope you're feeling better. More balanced. More loveable. More like yourself. And I hope you have a very happy New Year.
For what it's worth, I'm new around here, but so far I'm really liking it. Looking forward to reading you moving forward.
You are not alone. I feel the same way often with my two children.
Just found your blog and felt the need to comment. I hope that you are feeling better now that the holiday season is almost over.
Hello there,
I'm a new reader, and I really do enjoy reading your perspective on motherhood.
I'm commenting because I was browsing through my RSS feeds and I saw a review for this book--coming out on Tuesday--"Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother." It sounds like it might give you yet another perspective on this issue.
To tide you over, here is an editorial written by the author: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html
Yet another interesting article: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/01/12/an-islamic-view-of-parenting/
Just found your blog. With ya. I worry that all the life is being sucked out of my husband because we at home are so full of demands... and that includes me with the morning sickness and the third baby coming...
Here are some things that help me: smiling and giving them lots of hugs and looking them straight in the eyes when I tell them so, eating nothing but ice cream for dinner and not feeling guilty about it, choosing not to say a word to the husband when he's worked late once again,(and I want to try this one), sock mopping the floor. =)
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