Today was not a great day. We stayed home all day, and instead of decompressing and enjoying the staying-homeness of it all after a very busy Saturday, my kids fought and destroyed things all day long. Husband was at work, and after struggling to do some housecleaning amidst the house-uncleaning efforts of my children, I decided to lie down and rest for a bit. It is Sunday, after all, I reasoned. I'm SUPPOSED to rest on Sundays.
No sooner had I been lying down for all of ten minutes, but I heard my older two children fighting, screaming, chasing one another down the stairs. And then it came. Glass shattering.
After my middle son's accident this fall, when he went arm-fist through my kitchen window, I take shattering glass seriously. Luckily, this time it was a glass IKEA vase and I managed to get in there before he or the three-year-old could walk on any of it. But let's just say that by 5 PM tonight, my nerves were completely shot.
This was compounded by a nagging heartache I have had for several days now. On Friday, C. went to my friend's house for a playdate. That night, she was over for dinner en masse with all of our children when she told me, laughing, about something C. had said at her house. Somehow, the subject of marriage came up, and C. told her very matter-of-factly that he would not be getting married when he grows up. "Why?" she asked. "Don't you want to have children?"
"Noooo," C. answered firmly. "Children are too much work, and my mom is mad a lot. I just want a job and a dog."
My friend thought C. was clever and funny. I laughed along with her, but inside I died a little. C. is just turning seven this month, and apparently I have already ruined him. I'm mad a lot? That's all he can see?
I am mad a lot. The five men I live with, big, small, and furry, are very frustrating. They break things. They fight. They complain. They don't clean up after themselves. Children are a lot of work (at least he recognizes that part). But once again, I had it hammered into me that somehow, I am not making this work. My kids are not supposed to feel like they are my work, that I am mad a lot and it is because of them.
I'm feeling really beaten down and defeated right now. I want to be positive and creative with my kids. I sit on Firstborn's bed at night and talk to him, and I am kind of amazed at what a cool kid he is. He's so articulate and so perceptive and I feel like I don't want to jinx it but look! He is kind of turning out well after all! And then we have a day like today, and I am trying to go to bed and yet dwelling on the times I yelled today, how I am damaging their psyches, how frustrated I am that my kids argue and fight and berate and bicker over toys. On days like this, I want a do-over. On all of it.
My children are not the only thing in my life, and being a mother is not my only basis of my identity, but my honest truth is that, as Jackie Onassis said, if I mess up this whole parenting thing, nothing else much matters to me. And I am being honest when I say I truly worry that I am, in fact, screwing it all up royally.
[ I feel really guilty that so many of my posts are angsty. I try to write when I am feeling good and positive, too, but more often I feel all writealicious when I am emotional. So just know I am not phishing for "You're a great mom!" reassurance or always throwing quite as much of a pity party as it may seem, but this is my outlet and here I get it all out. Flipside to today's post:this morning we finally put Just Dance in the Wii and Firstborn and I danced to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and "Eye of the Tiger" together and we have not laughed that hard in a long time. So it's not all bad, it isn't. It's just that what weighs on my mind are the heartaches more often than the hilarities. Bear with me.]
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13 comments:
You know I love your blog because even though it is not always upbeat and happy, it is not always upbeat and happy! Too many times I will read something and think about how great that mom is, how creative, how nice her house is, etc. etc. and I wonder WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE THAT!? I have thought about starting a blog but feel as though it would just be a lot of complaining :} I SOOO appreciate you sharing your tough days and not just putting only the good out there.
It does just kill you doesn't it? I feel like I am working so hard to be a good mom and then this morning I hear myself yelling at my 10 year old because he can't find his homework at the last minute. I shove him out the door and yell I love you but now I am thinking about how awful his morning must have been to start with me screaming at him. Sigh. I feel the need to constantly do better even though I do know I am doing a pretty good job. It is difficult as obviously raising my children is the most important thing I will ever do and I so much want to do everything right.
Please, please do not let C's comments get you down. They all see your job as the huge thing that it is. Two of mine have sworn they will never EVER have children because it is more work than they want, and you know it isn't because my hug-it-out-and-do-a-craft self yells a lot. Every parent yells some times. You aren't warping them forever.
Ohhh I feel your pain. I am not that perfect mom either. I break down and do my share of yelling and I let them watch too much TV, without apology. I have all boys (twins age 3 and older son age 9). They are loud and rambunctious and its a whirlwind of action with no downtime (since naps ended a couple months ago). I went through a very dark period when the twins were 2. I am starting to just now dig out. One major change is finally using the gym child care and getting that workout FOR ME. I realized I could not go on any longer being tired, mad, sad, and just surviving. I was in survival mode for quite a long time and now I'm standing up and saying NO MORE! I WILL take charge of this situation. I WILL get these boys out of the house so they can run free even though every fiber of my being wants to sit on that couch and relax in peace for just 10 blessed minutes. I have become way more intentional instead of just letting the day "happen". Small steps and a long way to go, but we are all of us human and flawed and weak and in this together as moms. Carry on.
I don't at all mean for this to sound trite, but I struggle with getting mad, too, especially because of what it models for my 8 year old about how to control & have emotions appropriate to the situation. For me, there's a direct correlation between my ability to stay calm and how rested I feel. It's been a little easier (to be more rested) since the youngest started Kindergarten. There are demands on moms of not-yet-schoolage kids that are unique and uniquely exhausting. Then again, so are the clothes on the floor...
I'm mad a lot too, and I hate it. I don't want to be the mad mom. I don't want my kids to have thoughts like C's (although I know they do sometimes). It is just all so hard. I know though, that no matter how much it feels like you are messing things up, or not doing this parenting thing right, that your boys know that you care. One day, they will see that you were TRYING your best... maybe not getting everything right all the time, but you worked your ass off because you love them. I'm sorry you've been going through such a rough patch lately. Hugs.
it's really, really hard and I hear you. I do not like myself as a mom a good bit of the time. It is without question the hardest job there is and it requires sheer endurance much of the time.
So we endure. I couldn't be happier that your blog isn't about how you remodeled your bathroom with just some spray paint and a glue gun. We wouldn't really have anything to discuss, so I am glad that you are so you, Mama A.
Oh yes, I understand. And it hurts. My oldest is 15 and he's repeatedly said that he doesn't want to have any kids because they're too much work. And, he's always saying, "Mom, why are you yelling at me?"
I feel this. I really do.
Hmmmm . . . guess you're just a real mom, they get angry, sad, happy . . .
Try doing a little positive gesture . . . at the end of everyday, on a small piece of paper, write something (just one sentence) that they did that day that made you happy or proud. Write a note to each child and put it somewhere where they will find it when they wake up. Do it for a few weeks. See what happens.
I promise something will happen.
My husband spent five weeks in China at the begining of the year. I felt so spent. So tired. I felt like I yelled all the time. This parenting thing is hard. I think we just have to try our best. What else can we do?
FWIW I said I didn't want kids. My mom was hurt by that. I'm not sure that wasn't part of the reason I said it so loud and so often. But here I am with 2 children that make me very happy and proud, when they don't make me insane. I love this blog. And just started my own. No pressure, but just to say you're a role model to more than your children :)
http://quasiagitato.wordpress.com/
My oldest (he is a few years older than yours) has said this about not wanting kids and I actually was sort of happy. I want him to realize it is hard and to know that he will not be ready for parenthood for a long long time. Of course maybe it is because he said it when he was starting his teen years and I had worries about teenage pregnancy on my mind (I worry about everything). Your son is a bit young but I viewed it as a good seway into conversations about preventing pregnancy when he is older. I don't think it means that they are unhappy being a child or being in the family.
I definitely have been where you are--whre I feel like I am a raving maniac. My children are now 15, 12, and 6 and it does get better. My two oldest (boys) still battle some times but it is much better, in part because they have more independence and have time a part fairly regularly so when they are together they seem to appreciate each other more.
I love boys but I find there is a physicality to the way they get along --whether they are happy or angry--that I find really jarring and can really upset my balence.
THere are so many books on the stages of babies and toddlers but not much on the middle years of childhood. I think a lot goes on with all the physical and emotional growth during thsoe years that make them tough.
Thank you for being so honest about your motherhood journey. I feel the same way you do, and I only have two boys (5 & 2). I have been reading your blog now for about six months and in my humble opinion, if you notice you are doing something that needs to change, that's the first step to doing it!! I too strive to be more patient with my boys and yell less. I have a ton of respect for your ability to share with us not only the good but also the bad.
You know what, I am mad a lot too, I'm NOT so patient, I'm tired...but HELLO??? Why do they never recognize and point out the flip side - the mom who took them to McDonalds, the mom who let them use every pillow in the house to build a fort, the mom who plays Monopoly with them (and I hate Monoply, FYI) I mean, it stings. I'm not all bad, shoot...it hurts that it's all they see :(
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