Catching up

Husband says it is insanely boring when I write posts about why I have not been posting. So I am going to let him be the voice of my (former? long-lost?) readers and just sum it up in one sentence: too.much.life. You can relate.

The truth is, I have struggled a lot since attending BlogHer in 2010. I haven't really known where I fit in this blogging world. I felt a need to jump in, to join the fray, to tweet and market and write elsewhere and... you know, it's just not me. It's just not. I am not interested in sponsored posts, not interested in tweeting (I do love the Facebook, though, and I read OTHERS' tweets), not interested in trying to get a book deal. This little space has been mine for four years now, and I guess that's just what I need it to be. A little space.

I needed time to come to the conclusion that it is okay, that I am no less a writer or a member of this blogging world, if I am just the writer of this blog, somewhat anonymous and completely small-time. I read a lot of others' blog posts, but I comment very rarely only because I am usually on Flipbook and it is a total pain in the rear. Am I still worth reading? Well, you'll have to decide.

In the meantime:

1. I'm pregnant. Yes! Seriously! I'm halfway done, actually. I know, how could I keep it off the Interwebz for so very long with my huge mouth? I will tell you the truth: I don't really love when my favorite bloggers conceive and then their blogs become all about pregnancy and butterflies and roses and whatnot. I didn't know how to present this and also say, dude, this blog is NOT going to be all about my pregnancy. But here it is. A few common answers to common questions...

-- Yes, this was planned. We have debated for years, and if you have been reading here, you know it has been bouncing around in my brain. We finally decided to go for it.

-- No, I'm not "going for a girl." I'm not a huge gambler, especially when odds are not in my favor. I would love to have a daughter; I think that is well known. But I also think four boys would be pretty darn special too. When I was pregnant with B., I was desperate to know what his gender was. Like, manic. But this pregnancy, I am oddly at peace. I don't care. I know that sounds ridiculous given everything I have written, but I think I have finally come to the realization that what will be will be, and I am not in charge, and no matter what, it's okay. Which is good, since, you know, what will be WILL be, I am NOT in charge, and no matter what, it IS okay. Ha. Maybe I am growing up.

-- Yes, this is IT. I am crazy, but not THAT kind of crazy. And yes, for sure. Husband and I do know how to prevent these things. Ten years of baby-making and a now advanced maternal age are enough. I'm tired and I have a lot of heartburn and I'm old. This is it. The end. All she wrote. Shop's closed. And... scene.

2. I have made a decision. I will no longer call myself a Stay at Home Mother. I cannot claim this idea -- I read it on Twitter. Another mother made the statement. I can't remember her Twitter handle, which is probably like the worst breach of conduct ever, but... at least I'm honest? Anyway, as she said, we are ALL mothers. We don't call dads "Work Outside the Home Dads." I'm over the labels. I am a Mother. Period. I also now like to fancy myself a Writer. So I am a Writer and I am a Mother, but I am not a Stay at Home Mother who writes. Just in case you were looking to give me business cards for Christmas or whatever. I don't know why, but this decision to reject that label has really affected me the past few days.

3. I have been writing for pay. Or, at least, assembling writing. I completed two first drafts of books between April and October, and it kicked. my. butt. I kind of hated the struggle to balance my kids and my employer. My hat is off to the better multitaskers than I am... I sucked at it.

4. I miss my people. I'm feeling very disconnected from my kindred spirits right now, for whatever reason. Suburbia is getting to me. I am feeling smothered and yet lonely all at the same time. Does that even make sense?

5. I want to write. For ME. So I am pledging to myself that I will write more and more frequently. I am not sure I will ever be a daily blogger, but I can try. It's good for my soul.

I've missed my space. It's good to be back. The adventure continues!